I am an EX

Im An Ex... I know that it's stupid -- and silly -- to sound as if my whole life revolved around being somebody's ex-girlfriend. But I can't help it... That title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now an official member of the "loved-and-lost" club. And while it's a title I don't exactly want, I have to admit that it does say some things about me. I am an ex. I once loved someone who loved me back (?). But he didn't want to stay... So I had to let him go. I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, asking what's wr0ng with me even if people keep on saying that I'm such a superfox (do you know how much that can be damaging to one's ego???-pretty pathetic ewww) muffling my sobs with my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that something was amiss. I'd reminisce about our happy times, then break down when I'd realize that he was no longer mine. I analyzed every single detail of our breakup. I wrote long e-mails and text messages to my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my situation. I spent my nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we'd end up in each other's arms again. Sometimes he was still my angel, still my knight in shining armor who I'd do anything for just to have back. But sometimes, I saw him as the devil incarnate who broke my heart in the worst possible way, and who deserved to be horsewhipped at the very least. I tried to show the world that I was OK. That I was over him. That it was fine just being back to starngers. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes and a tissue box. I tried to live my life as I knew it before I met him. People thought that I was doing great. They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that I was. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings, I had to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy (?). Because I was still yearning for someone, and my heart still ached for something that could not be.
Surprisingly, things have gotten better. I've changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he wasn't the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up. And I've become stronger, older, wiser. He's changed as well -- when I look at him (technically i don't see him face to face just in my thoughts lol), sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love with. Sometimes I think that he's the same person... he still has the same goofy smile and mischievous charm that I fell for, and I like to believe that the rest of him is unchanged as well. But then I take a closer look and I realize that he HAS changed... that I don't know him anymore, not really... not enough to love and care for him as I once did.

I am an ex.

I've loved and lost. I've been through hell and back..and forth... and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for gazilion times until I smacked my head and realized that the journey is RESTLESS, TRIP GOING NOWHERE.
I've cried tears for the things that were and that could have been.
I've wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy, of frustration.
I've pondered over and over on the thought that I did endure for so many years sleeping with my enemy.
I've simultaneously taken down and brought up my pride.
I've tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. I've tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do that, I turned to God for help.

I really don't know when the bitterness and pain will depart my heart...
Maybe someday... then again, maybe not.